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I am more than my fat.

Posted on August 21, 2010

When Kim and I started talking the other day about getting personal again on this blog I started thinking up a list of personal non-kid ideas to share. Sharing fun things about our kids is easy and I wanted to get a little down and dirty I guess! But I came up pretty empty. My marriage is good, my kids are good, business (both of them) is good and I just couldn’t think of much to say (not to say they are all always good, but currently I can’t complain!).

Until I was getting dressed yesterday morning and paused to look in the mirror. Which I rarely do. Fully dressed. And never naked. Anymore.

And what I saw instantly changed my mood because what I saw staring back is a woman that looks fat. IS fat. And it was all I could think about. F.A.T. In places I’ve never been fat before. Looking like I’ve never looked before. As if I don’t recognize my own body, which I guess I really don’t.

And in that moment I didn’t care what I put on because no matter what clothes I chose there would still be that under lying truth I couldn’t hide from the world. I am Fat. Or, I should say, fat for ME. I FEEL fat. If there is a difference at all in that distinction?

So I left my bedroom in my long cotton dress, the one that makes me look pregnant but is so comfortable, and went about my morning with the kids. After getting them all dressed and breakfast on the table and backpacks packed and counters wiped and teeth brushed we were getting ready to leave when a thought popped into my head.

I am more than my fat.

I am MORE than my fat.

And I wanted to scream it so loud my throat would hurt from the effort.

I AM MORE THAN MY FAT.

For the first time, in a long time, I remembered that my body doesn’t define me. I am SO much more than the extra pounds I’ve packed on. And I know that my friends, family or strangers on the street don’t look at me and think, “wow! She’s really let herself go! She must eat and eat and eat to have gained so much weight!” so why do I assume they all think awful thoughts about me? Why do I assume people aren’t going to like me because of my weight or how I look everyday in general? Why do I make it such an issue in my life?

Because I’m ashamed. Because I know how to take care of myself. Because I hate to admit that I can’t do it all and I let exercising+eating right go first when life got too intense. Because I hate the way I look so i assume everyone else does too.

But where in the world will that get me? Hiding Oreos in my bedside table or something that’s where!

So today I decided that NO MORE will I let my body define who I am and how I feel about my life. NO MORE will I let it get me down. I am more than that. I am a good mother and wife. I’m an artist and friend. I’m a blogger and photographer. I’m a daughter and sister. I am ME and that should be enough! Extra weight or not. Make-up on or off. Hair frizzy or straight. ENOUGH!

So on the way to take Bailey to school I got an idea and called Kim, who was taking her herd to school too. And I asked her to come over afterward to take a few photos of me. When I told her why and what the photos would be of she just laughed! HA! But like a good friend, she came anyway.

And she captured me.

Me.

Unedited and everything.

With stretch marks and cellulite and chub.

She captured my most insecure parts too.

My neck. I hate my neck. And I didn’t use to but now it’s nearly an obsession. That deep crease in the center that is my gauge on how much weight I’ve put on.

The part of my neck I have always hated because kids made fun of my moles. Moley moley moley (Austin Powers anyone?). Hate them and still think about them like a 13 year old girl.

And my no-make-up face. Which I am insecure about. Because I hate the feel of make-up but hate the way I look so tired and not-put-together without it. Usually I choose feeling good over looking good. But always feel bad anyway. And my birth mark. See that small red circle in between my eyes? It used to be a lot redder but it still the first thing I notice when I look at my face in the mirror. Even though I do like my freckles! I just never focus on the good, always the bad.

I stood on my back porch in a white tank top and underwear. While Kim photographed the backs of my thighs and the fat that is squished out on my back because of my bra, you know, “back fat” and even a full body shot. So trust me, I have a lot more photos, but out of respect to my husband, who thinks I’m over-sharing, I’ve decided to leave them off of here. But I’m not deleting them. Because to me it will represent the day I said I AM MORE THAN MY BODY.

Frankly, I am more than a lot of things! I am not defined by any one thing. I am a sum of the parts. My parts equal my whole. And what got me to this weight, well, I’m pretty darn proud of! Three kids in three years and two successful businesses aided in me gaining this weight. And how can I take any of that back?

I think all women are insecure about something, a lot of things actually. But I also bet that we all are insecure about our bodies. I was talking to my best friend about this today and she agreed that she’s insecure too. Which didn’t surprise me because of my belief that every woman does feel insecure, but shocked me b/c I’d DIE to look like her! She’s gotta be about 50lbs lighter than me which means she’s lighter than even my goal weight! And yet she feels the same way i do! She has bad days because of how she THINKS she looks too.

And I think universally we all need to get over it! Let’s not let our bodies, our FAT (or non-fat as the case may be), define us!

Today I am going for a run, if I have time. And I’m going to try to eat better because I do want to see a little change. But if I drink a Mnt Dew or skip a workout I won’t feel bad. And I’m going to get dressed today and know that I am beautiful. No matter what weight I am. AND I’m going to remind myself that I AM MORE THAN MY WEIGHT. And rest in the fact that others don’t judge me as harshly as I tend to judge myself. Today I’m going to photograph a one year old and a newborn and be proud of my work. I’ll welcome clients into my rental house and be proud of my home. I’m going to enjoy my family this morning before work and have a blast with our best friends tonight. I’m going to have a good day because I know my whole is the sum of all parts and that one tiny part of who I am does not define me!

Was it a bit crazy to show my chubby tummy on the internet? Maybe. Did some people tell me it was unprofessional and not blog-worthy? Totally. So why did I put it all out there?

Because I KNOW that if I feel this way than you do too. Or at least I’m assuming you do! HA! And like Kim and I decided the other day, our clients aren’t just hiring our work, they are hiring US. And this is who I am. My daily struggle to believe all that I just wrote. To live out the fact that I AM MORE THAN MY FAT even on days I want to crawl in a hole to hide! Our clients aren’t hiring perfectly thin, high-style women. They are hiring tired moms that do the best they can and who are going to start sharing more of themselves with the world. If that stops anyone from hiring us than so be it!

Happy weekend everyone! Let’s celebrate our bodies today! Good or bad! Let’s love them!

I didn’t hurt them, but I did shoot them. | St. Louis Children’s Photographer

Posted on August 20, 2010

First of all, did you just LOVE Kim’s post? AND DID YOU SEE THAT JASMINE STAR LEFT A COMMENT? I mean seriously. Kim needs to get on here more often if cool stuff like that happens! HA! Really, and don’t tell Kim this, Jasmine is a GENIUS when it comes to online marketing and leaving comments on other blogs or responding to FB notes is probably all a part of her work flow. Genius. Because people like me totally freak out! And then love her even more. But let’s let Kim think they’re BFF ok? Thanks!

And what do you guys think about us making this here blog a bit a lot more personal? Have you missed hearing about my bad days or seeing pics of my kids or seeing our latest craft project? And are you DYING to get a glimpse of Kim’s home life with SEVEN kids? I told her I want her to start tracking their home renovation b/c imagine 7 kids AND a house being renovated? To me it would be total chaos! BUT I saw the progress the other day and it looks AMAZING! Anyway, we’re excited to be back on here and not just sharing our awesome clients!

So to start, yesterday my mom and I took Parker (3.5), Grayson (2), Samantha (2.5) and Avery (7 months) to the city for some photos. See, I’m working on this elaborate Christmas project for my sister+nieces and needed some shots. And of course my mom’s back yard wasn’t good enough! But 4 kids under 4 and only two adults to wrangle them was almost more than we could handle but with LOTS of bribes and me shooting as FAST as possible we actually made it out of there alive! Here are a few of my favorites!

Avery is at that perfect chubby baby stage! I could have photographed her all day!

I’m not posting any of the photos I actually went there to shoot or it would give away my gift to Abbie but eventually I’ll share!

Happy Friday! We’ve survived one whole week of Kindergarten and although yesterday Bailey asked if she could take a break she’s had a great time! Tonight we’re going to a college soccer game and this weekend Kim and I are bursting with babies! In the next four days we have three newborns, one 1 year old and a session in Union we were hired for from a company in Washington D.C.! It’s going to be a busy weekend! Hope yours is great!

changes | St. Louis Photographers

Posted on August 19, 2010

This week has been a big week of change for both the Weiss and Allen families.  But the changes I’m going to talk about right now don’t have a lot to do with new schools & new beginnings for our families, but a getting back to where Jodie and I both really started in this whole online world, and where we seemed to have fallen away from a bit.

Last night, Jodie & I were lucky enough to listen to her:

If you don’t know who Jasmine Star is, you must add HER BLOG to your Google Reader now!  Jasmine is a rock star wedding photographer, who despite all she has accomplished in a short amount of time, is just as humble, sweet, and funny as she is fabulous!  It was a great opportunity to get to listen to her speak.  To listen to her tell/remind us that we need to be ourselves, show ourselves, and she has done this by really sharing herself through her blog as an open book.  And you see, when I first started blogging, it was just for me, as I was learning photography, to share photos with friends/family far away, to connect with other digital scrapbookers, and really record things going on with our family.  And then my business started, and I guess I started to second guess myself, and the personal things got less and less, time constraints played into it, but I wondered if clients really wanted to hear about the silly things going on in my life.  Would I turn people off because I said or do something they don’t like/agree with?  I also guess part of who I am, is the insecure side of me.  Insecure that my stories just weren’t all that fabulous.  Our life isn’t super exciting… do people really want to hear about carpool lines and soccer games and potty training?   Then merging with Jodie, who is a fabulous blogger, do I measure up?  Do her followers really want to have me bursting in without knowing me?  And then we got busy.  Really busy.  And so it was just easy to say that blogging and sharing myself could take a back burner.

One of our greatest assets as Fresh Art is that we truly become friends with our clients.  We have a great time at our sessions, sharing ourselves, learning about our clients, giving and receiving advise.  So I *know* that a big chunk of what we are selling as a business is ourselves, but I’ve been missing a huge boat in waiting until the session to let our clients know more about me.  And that was the biggest knock on the head last night, that I have to share more of myself.  Knowing it’s okay that to be me and share who I am.  And it’s okay if people don’t like me, it’s best to know that before hiring me, right?   So before I get all Stuart Smalley on you, just know I’m committing myself to coming our from behind the curtain.  Ha!  So you’ll hear more about our recent changes and all the emotions that went along with it for me!

And while I didn’t get to become BFFs with Jasmine last night (didn’t even get too close to her), I feel like she is a friend and has taught and reminded us so much!

mud pies | St. Louis Children’s Photographers

Posted on August 18, 2010

Wonder why my kids are making mud pies? Or why it looks like I’ve made them a mud pie kitchen?

Go HERE to see the details! And leave a comment on that blog to win a great prize when you click over!!!

NEW Christmas Card Templates at Vol.25!

Posted on August 17, 2010

Hey guys!

Sorry the blog has been a bit quiet! This is the first week of school for 7 of our 10 kids (1 of mine and 6 of Kim’s of course! ha!) so we are busy getting kids where they need to be, figuring our new routines and well, crying into our sunglasses as we walk away! Kim’s Thomas and my Bailey both started Kindergarten and if Kim is still crying at kid#6 starting Kindergarten there is no hope for me b/c I cried on and off all day. I’m talking being choked up to the deep dark UGLY cry alone in my car! The last two days I’ve just been counting down to 3pm when I can go pick her up! If you want to read more about my adventures in grade school go to my personal blog HERE! Because today I’m not talking about that over here!

I’m here to tell you guys that Jessica Rose, an online friend that’s becoming pretty darn close as we email almost every day (LOVE her!), just launched her VERY first photographer Christmas card templates!!!

I totally stole this image from her blog…

Are you dying? There just aren’t templates like this out there which is why I’ve been BUGGING her for so long to start offering templates for all of us that don’t want to spend the time making them ourselves!

Check out her blog post HERE to get all the details and if you want to see my interview HERE, well, that would just make me happy! HA!

CONGRATS JESS on this big new endeavor! I am SO excited for you friend!

Jackson | St. Louis Photographers

Posted on August 13, 2010

Today Kim and I got to meet Jackson, his mom Melinda and his Grandma Diane in the studio. We’ve had a bunch of older babies lately which is not the norm for us and what we’re finding with non-newborns is that they are a bit harder to coax! HA! Really, it’s more a matter of getting them to stay put like our sweet Colin who just wanted to MOVE!

So going into today I warned Melinda that one year old babies are not always the easiest and to come prepared for him to a. not stay put or b. not want to smile… but Jackson had other plans for us! He never stopped smiling! AND he stayed put! It literally felt like a miracle or something! AND Melinda took our “bring the closet” to heart and had SO many incredibly cute outfits and props for him! It was like playing dress-ups!

We really had a great session and had a blast getting to know this family! Melinda and Diane… I hope you love your sneak peek!

Melinda said she wanted to get his new scowl captured but he smiled so much we didn’t think we’d get it… until the very end and then BAM! Super scowl! So stinkin’ cute!

This was his birthday party outfit and we put it on at the end when he was really done with us and our camera but luckily we were able to get a few more cute ones!

Thanks again you guys! SO many more cute ones in your gallery!

colin | st. louis baby photographers

Posted on August 12, 2010

I am writing this blog post from my NEW computer! Oh how FAST it is! I feel like I’m just zipping through life with this bad boy! It’s amazing what a new computer does for the soul! Although I will say I am VERY particular about my wrists. Of all things. And the edge of this laptop is a bit too sharp for me. So far that is the ONLY bummer! I’m also not used to black keys so I kind of feel like I’m playing some kind of modern piano or something. And you all know how it is to break in a new keyboard… it just feels funny! Love that it’s already loaded exactly like my old computer so although we’re just getting acquainted I already know where everything is… data transfer is SO worth it! Anyway!

Colin came by with his, well, entire family the other day for his 6 month old session! His mom, Tina, big brother Nathan, Aunt Maggie and cousin Gretchen were all there to help us get this little man to SIT and STAY and SMILE! The three S’s of baby portraiture! HA!

To say we love this family is like saying I kind of like Mountain Dew. Get it? We LOOOOVE this family. If I believed in saying we “big puffy heart” this family, which I DO NOT believe in saying, I would! HA! We just adore them and all their kids!

Even when they won’t smile at us! HA!

Lucky for Colin he’s cute whether he’s smiling or not! And trust me, we tried EVERYTHING!

There we go! BIG smiles!

Tina… will you leave the ETSY shop where you bought his TIE shirt in the comments please??? It’s so adorable I know people will be asking about it!

And we can’t wait to see him for his first birthday! It’ll be here before we know it! Thanks for coming out to you AND Aunt Mags!

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