there IS a baby in there.

At my OB appointment on the 26th I heard the baby’s heart beat for the first time and all I could say to the doc was, "so there’s a baby in there huh?"  Like I was in some kind of denial or something. Which I’m sure I am. I am totally and completely failing at this whole excited expectant mother bit. The only good thing that came out of that appointment was the fact that I lost a pound this month, which in the midst of Christmas cookies, parties and lots of Imo’s is a true Christmas Festivus miracle.

I left that day with this huge feeling of dread looming over my head, so big and dark I was afraid other people could see it. My mind was stuck on the midnight feedings, wondering if Parker would be sleeping through the night at that point and knowing I would want to kill her if she’s not, money of course came into play at the thought of another butt to diaper, formula to buy (b/c I’m sure breast feeding will still suck) and if it’s a boy an entire new wardrobe to outfit. It was just all the practical things that had me down and has kept me down about this baby from day one of "oh my God, does that test say it’s POSITIVE?"

But then, at 3am last night when I was laying on the couch watching "A Walk to Remember" (there’s not much on at that time of night and Mandy Moore was just fine) and waiting for the next screaming fit by either P or B I felt a little bump. And then again, bump bump bump. So faint and so light and so IN there. And as I laid my hand on my growing tummy for the first time all the practical downers got kicked right out of my head. As I felt this tiny baby moving around my head started to fill with the dreams of a new life. Will this little person have Bailey’s sweet heart? Parker’s toughness? C’s smile? My forehead? Is there a little BOY in there? Or are we welcoming our third baby girl into our family? Suddenly, as this little life made itself known to me I wasn’t worried about where the money would come from, or how we would afford a new car (b/c three kids won’t fit in either of ours), or how we would survive the NO sleep and extra stress. All I could think about was what a blessing this sweet baby would be in our lives, and how God has always found a way for us to survive and just how perfect our family would be now.

And I knew all of that from a few little kicks in my belly. Amazing isn’t it?



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