My best friend, Angie, is home puking her guts out today while caring for her three kids while her husband, along with my husband, travels home from 5 days in CO for soccer. If I were TRULY a best friend I would have not listened to her protests and gone to get her one year old so she had it easier today. But the fear of PUKE entering this house clamped my mouth shut and let her suffer. SORRY ANGIE!
Anyway, while she was not moving on the couch I was, I’m sure, driving her crazy with my marriage talk but she, being the better friend, actually listened and gave me the best insight I have ever had.
I was bitching and moaning about Chris.
And yes, for the first time, maybe ever, I am going to talk about my marriage. Prepare yourselves!
So I was lamenting about the fact that I am a bad wife. For millions of reasons but yesterday specifically b/c I could not muster one tiny ounce of happiness for Chris as he was having a big day of fun out in Colorado with his two best friends and 20 or so soccer players. Instead I was angry and jealous and frustrated and lonely. And I kept trying to find the “good for him to be getting this break and seeing the mountains he LOVES and 1on1 time with Kevin and Dan…” But I just couldn’t.
And the thing I was mad about was really so stupid. I just wanted him to call me. Or WANT to call me. Or text me or something.
Really, I think I just wanted to be missed. Or thought about.
But I didn’t even realize that until today when he finally did text me a sweet note telling me he loved me. A simple note of shortened words sent from his cell to mine that changed my ENTIRE attitude in a matter of seconds.
Back to me and Angie… so I was just telling her how much i WANTED to be happy for him. Not just for yesterday and the mountain-fun he was having but for everything. I have a husband living his passion! He loves teaching and loves coaching. I honestly don’t know many men who literally love everything about their jobs. And I should be glad for him b/c he is my husband, my friend, my love.
But I’m not.
Ever.
Instead I’m always mad that his job doesn’t come close to paying our bills. I’m mad that he works 14+ hours a day. I’m mad he’s gone at night and on the weekends. I’m mad when Parker cries for him b/c it makes me feel like chopped liver. I’m mad he’s out loving his work and “having fun” (my words, not his) while I’m struggling between kids/house/work ALL THE TIME.
I’m always mad. About something.
And I do think a lot of that can be chalked up to 5 years of struggle. Three under three, not enough money, long distance move, etc. We had a lot of stress in the first few years of our marriage. And three kids so young and close together is hard even if you do have enough money! Just the pure exhaustion can take a toll on your marriage I think.
But life isn’t that stressful anymore. Money is getting better, the kids are tons easier, we’re settled, etc.
But I’m still mad.
And that’s when Angie said that when her and Kev were getting married the priest told them that marriage is 100% all of the time but it’s not 50-50 all of the time.
WOW.
MARRIAGE IS 100% ALL OF THE TIME BUT NOT 50-50 ALL OF THE TIME.
That sentence has been running through my head all day since my very sweet and very sick friend said it aloud.
And I think it may be the root of my issues.
Because really, when he’s gone all the time I’m not upset b/c I have a nursing baby on my hip, a one year old crying for me to hold her and a two year old needing something. That part is past. I’m just upset he’s gone. Period. And now, I think it’s because for a really long time I’ve been FEELING like it’s more 80-20 instead of 50-50. Because I’m the one that’s here so of course I’m dealing with the majority of the house work and the kids and the doctor visits and school and well, everything. And if one person FEELS like life is so unbalanced for so long of course they are going to resent the other for doing just about anything else right?
This is all still soaking in. It’s percolating. Nothing concrete has formed. But that idea is planted. That maybe I’m not a crazy bitch after all. Maybe I’ve just been FEELING like I carry most of the burden our life holds.
I struggle with articulating my feelings to Chris and so I’m excited for him to get home tonight so I can tell him this idea as a jumping off point to help him understand me better. For me to better understand myself. Because I DO want to be happy for him and excited when he’s excited. I WANT to just welcome him home at the end of the day with a smile instead of a list of complaints. And MAYBE, just maybe, if we can figure out how to make life more 50-50 SOME OF THE TIME I can better appreciate it when it does lean more towards 80-20 you know?
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Now that I am back to PERSONAL blogging I will be talking about what I want, when I want. I’m sorry that this blog isn’t filled every day anymore. Or filled with random bits. And if reading about my marriage is too personal for you then just stop reading. I want this blog to track my life. The journey of it all. Including the amazing peaks and miserable valleys. You are welcome to come along for the ride but feel free to hop off at any time too! This is just for me and my husband and my kids. To know me. Better. For ME to know me better.
Thanks to all who hang around!
Why would anyone settle for someone only putting 50% into a marriage or parenting? Ever? How unfair to their spouse and children, IMO.
It’s the mundane of life that buries one’s soul — trust me, I’m there with you. Six months ago I was yelling at my husband to get off the couch and participate and get into the Drs to find out why he was so tired or he wasn’t going to be around in 2 years when our oldest graduates High School. Then he got ill — diagnosed with Cancer — and I had to take over 200% of everything so that the Hubs could concentrait on getting better, or at least getting through. It hasn’t been easy — kids, schools, money, bills, disability payments and too many doctor’s appointments and such. But we will get through it. Anything else is unacceptable.
There will be a time when you look back on now as “easy” or “better.” Maybe not. Only one thing is for certain — the only thing constant is change. It may not be fair, but it is something to keep in mind.
I hope you find the change you seek.
Jodie, I totally get it. And you are right, I want to be happy for Kevin when he plays golf with his friend. I want to feel thankful that he works as hard as he does so that we can have the life we have. I want to love my husband 100% of the time with 100% of my heart, but that is just very difficult as LIFE gets in the way. I wonder when it will be my turn to get out of the house, not have to do the laundry, wash the dishes or take care of the girls. The advice that marriage is always 100% but not always 50-50 is great but like you I am just not sure what to do with that. I can’t wait to see how you interpret it, and I think I’ll do the same.
I have been where you are. I was so resentful of Jason when he did what he wanted while I was tethered to Athena, while breastfeeding. Then we had the twins and he really stepped up his parenting game, but at the same time he was gone working a lot AND actually had a social life playing sports, and I was working 3 jobs and handling housework and dr. appointments (not to mention breastfeeding two at this point!) and life felt very unbalanced. Despite the fact that he was a great dad and truly involved with the kids when he was home.
I was so pissed at him during those times, all the time.
Once the twins stopped nursing and then after Haney was born and we moved, things got more balanced. Not 50-50 — there were times when he gave so much more, and then once he lost his job and had to work out of town obviously I was doing more. But then I didn’t resent him at all — I think because we had that stretch of balance to carry us through the stretches of imbalance.
My super-long book of a comment is to say that you’ve been on an uphill climb for a long time, but the road is about to level out. As the kids get older/easier it helps, and if you and Chris can work out some sort of “Jodie-time” schedule that will help too.
(And I LOVE your totally honest blog!)
Oh my, oh my do I relate! The hubs might half a world away flying his helicopters and supporting our country’s efforts, but that’s not how I think of him. There are days when I think I’m going to explode if he doesn’t walk through that door, but that’s not happening. Granted, all we’ve got is the house upkeep and a crazy high maintenance dog. I ask, just send me an e-mail or SOMETHING to let me know you’re out there…. Ugh. I wonder is a marriage ever completely 50-50? What do you need to feel more balanced when he’s home or away? I hope that you can find a bit of peace and understanding for yourself and Chris. And, being totally honest is awesome — I should jump on that bandwagon a bit more.
I can relate. My husband works six days a week and I STILL can’t work part-time to be able to stay home with my baby on the way next year. He also goes to the gym three days a week. So when he was talking about an upcoming weekend trip with his buddies recently, I fumed a little inside. I’ll be seven months pregnant and he’s leaving again? But I just make sure that I get out too. It’s hard, and I’m not always successful, but I try. And I just pray that one day one of us finds something to make us rich so I can stay home part-time. And we can both jet-set around the world. And we can afford some kick-@$$ fresh art photos.
Marriage is a funny thing. I completely agree that it isn’t 50-50 it is 100-100. Sometimes you are going to be the one doing the 100% while your spouse is not. Find a way to express your self otherwise Chris isn’t going to know what is going on. Even if it is just to read what you have written here on the blog. Hang in there, you will survive.