feeling defeated.

Well, we finally saw the Infectious Disease doctor. Which just sounds scary doesn’t it? INFECTIOUS is not a nice word. DISEASE is equally not a nice word. I’d hate to be that kind of doctor I think.

She did not have the best news.

In short, and in exhausted stupid mom terms b/c most of the things she said made little to NO sense to me…

90% of kidney infections are caused by Ecoli bacteria but Parker has another one. One I can’t pronounce much less spell. And this type of bacteria is incredibly hard to treat. And comes back easily. Especially, possibly, when you have an extra ureter.

So tomorrow they are putting in a PICC line and she will be on IV antibiotics for 2-3 weeks at home. Which I will have to learn how to administer. On top of the five meds a day we do for her asthma she’ll have these meds six times a day.

The doctor asked if I work and when I said “kind of” (because I knew she meant full-time out of the home) she said it’s good you’ll be home b/c they only like to train one person meaning my time away from Parker in the next few weeks will be very limited. Which means working will be difficult. Which is awesome since this is our busy season.

I just feel defeated. This doc might want her fever free for 48 hours which could mean we might not get out of here until Sunday. And that is defeating. The fact that they just drew MORE blood for MORE labs and she’s been crying for 30 minutes straight. That is defeating. And loud. The fact that they have to draw MORE blood and take MORE labs in 15 minutes to test this new antibiotic combo is MASSIVELY defeating.

And I just want to cry.

But I won’t because I might just not stop.

And really, overall, on the Parker front it’s been a good day. She’s painted and colored and eaten a little. Bailey came to visit and then we got to see Grandma, PawPaw, Kelsey and Grayson when they came to pick up Bails. But then we got THE NEWS and although she’s still making good progress it feels like MY world has been upended. Because this doesn’t stop when we get home.

And I want it to just all be over.

Specific prayer requests…

1. That Parker will just STOP CRYING

2. That I can hold it together for a few more days+weeks without losing my mind

3. That Imo’s will come again today to keep the caffeine flowing through my veins so I can pretend like I’m happy

4. That Gray and Bails will have a good night home with Daddy tonight and I’ll survive the night alone.

Thanks again. For everything.

17 thoughts on “feeling defeated.

  1. Are you ready for a little perspective? Ignore me if it isn’t a good time.

    I know this is a terrible time for you, your family, and your business.

    Let’s focus on the GOOD, OK? Here’s a list to get you started:
    -You, Chris, Bailey & Grayson are healthy.
    -You have your family, your home, and your business, and a jillion people out here on the Internets praying for you all. Way fortunate there.
    -You have an excellent TEAM of Doctors, Nurses and Specialists working for the better of Parker. They will be happy to send you home when the time is right.
    -You have a diagnosis — which while it sounds frighteningly awful has to be better than the unknown.
    -You have a wonderful place called Imo’s that delivers Mtn. Dew and pizza, especially when your support team hears your pleas.
    -You have documented time and time again just how capable you are. Handling meds and machinery isn’t beyond your abilities. Sure, it won’t be fun/easy/convenient, it just is. And with GOOD things working your way, it won’t be forever.

    When you get your next break, wander the Nursery or Oncology departments. See the preemie hooked up to life support? Not easy. See the bald, weak Cancer patient whose veins have toxic chemical forced into them? Not easy either.

    Before anyone goes bonkers, I’m just hoping a little perspective gives you the boost to pull yourself up by your bra straps (provided it’s on!)and realize that if anyone can do this, it’s you, Super Mamma. And Parker’s so very lucky she has you to do it all for her. Go! get ‘em.

  2. Very, very, VERY well said, LizArmstrong!!! You all WILL get through all of this!

    “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

    “Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you”
    1 Thessalonians 5, 16-18

    EVERYTHING is for our good and God’s glory. He is working something wonderful in all of you, we just can’t see it yet. Love to you all!

  3. Jodie…praying for you, Parker, your whole family and the team of doctors helping you all out. Having a sick little one is not fun but just as we know all things do…this too will pass and you will look back and realize God had equipped you with everything you needed.

  4. oh that does suck. it would be so much easier if they could just give her what she needs at the hospital, send you home to happier times so you could forget this ever happened. i’m praying for endurance because it sounds like this is a much longer road than you hoped. so sorry.

  5. i’m sorry… that’s hard news to get when you’re already tired & stressed. praying for parker to stop crying right now (and you not to start- i hate crying- it makes my head hurt).
    and while i agree with liz & marcia, i know i did not get ‘perspective’ on my husband’s cancer until it was at least 6 months behind us. don’t feel like you have to put a positive spin on things- just keep loving your family & yourself.

  6. Jodie.. This sucks. I wish I had something better to say but I can’t find any words. The only thing I can think of that maybe helpful is to contact Martha’s Hands – they are a respite care company but they have a mommy branch that may really help you. 314-965-4350

  7. Oh Jodie – I hate to hear that you will not be going home today and I can only imagine how incredibly defeating that is. :( Sending blog hugs and prayers your way. God is walking with you during this difficult time – lean on Him.

  8. a phrase from another time and place……but maybe fitting.
    “God is my co-pilot”

    God Bless.

  9. I’m so sorry friend. I hate this for you. Praying for your endurance for the remaining time in the hospital and the transition home. Praying that Parker will get peaceful so soon.

  10. I’m so sorry you all are going through such a hard time. I understand how it is to try to get all of your work done, so if there’s anything I can help with [a few small shoots maybe? so you don't have to keep rescheduling everything] I’d be happy to do for you. Just let me know!

  11. I have been reading along for the past couple days, and just wanted to let you know you and all of your family have been in my prayers and will continue to be. I like your requests for specific ones! What a great idea. I can’t imagine what you have been going through, but I am sending you strength and patience. You’re an amazing momma!

  12. I have had Parker in my prayers each night. And while this is cliche and no where near the comfort you need….God does have a plan……whatever life throws at us, all the good and all the bad and somehow, someway, we learn, grow and become stronger by the sum of our experiences. I just keep praying for you all, for Parker especially. Sending mommy strength your way!

  13. Jodie you can do it, I have seen you in action and you are much tougher than you think. You have gotten through the worst and there is light at the end of the tunnel. It will get much better once you’re at home and the care will be easier than you think. Also I am positive that you will have enough caffeine (I saw the evidence)!!

  14. my dear friend jodie….i’m praying for you and your family. may God bless you all!

    and to think…just a few hours ago you were emailing me with allergy tips! really….do you just NOT stop giving! love you girl!

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