let’s have a contest because i’m alone and bored during nap time!

I told Chris I wanted to laugh today so he told me a joke. I don’t normally like jokes but the two he told had me laughing out loud…

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I got you last year!”

AND

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary and she said she’d love to go somewhere she hasn’t been in a long time. So I suggested the kitchen!

HA!

Anyone know any jokes? Wanna make me laugh today too? I’d love to read some in the comments!

If your joke makes me laugh the hardest I’ll shoot you a $5 iTunes gift card today!

15 thoughts on “let’s have a contest because i’m alone and bored during nap time!

  1. (Picture me and my 4.5 year old driving in the car)

    Charlotte (from the back seat) “Knock Knock!”

    Me “who’s there?”

    Charlotte “Car go.”

    Me “Car go who?”

    Charlotte “Car go BEEP BEEP!!”

    (Hysterical laughter from 4.5 year old)

  2. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance… So I pushed her over.

    bud-ah bum!!

  3. A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.

    I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

    Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

    The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,”First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

    He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh…

    Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

  4. A pig and a cow are walking down the street one day and they pass a church with a sign asking for donations. Since the pig and the cow didn’t have any money, the cow thought it would be a good idea for them to donate some bacon and milk. The pig said, “wait a minute, for you, that’s a donation; for me, that’s a lifetime committment!” (courtesty of my little friend Cannon (7) from Hannibal, MO)

  5. I was on coach allen’s basketball team:

    what do you call two mexicans playing basketball?

    Juan on Juan

  6. Here’s a goodie from Readers Digest you can tell Parker, too:
    A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”
    The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”

  7. Here’s Logan’s favorite joke right now:

    Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

    For drizzle.

    (Way cuter when told by a three-year-old!)

  8. Three couples were out to dinner. One husband said to his wife, “Pass the sugar, Sugar.” The next husband said to his wife, “Pass the honey, Honey.” The third husband knew he had to think of something good, looked at his wife and replied, “Pass the bacon, PIG!”

  9. I’m a fan of one-liners! Here are handful that make me giggle:

    *I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    *If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

    *If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    *I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

    *I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

    *Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

    I don’t want the giftcard, just wanted to share! Hope you’re hanging in there!

  10. hey jodie, i hope everything goes well tomorrow. i’m really sorry all of this is happening. asher and i are always down to run something up to the hospital (imos, jimmy john’s, oberwise, ya know- the good stuff). here’s a joke though….

    2 atoms are walking down the street, when suddenly one of them stops and says, “oh no, i think i lost an electron!”
    the other atom looks over and says, “are you sure?”
    the first one looks up and says, “IM POSITIVE!”

    …this is how fun chemistry is at meramec.

  11. What did the carpenter say when two houses fell on him?
    Get off me homes!
    ( better when said with a slightly spanish accent)

  12. The ones that come to mind for me are really dirty.

    But here’s an oldie but goodie: If you’re an American when you go into the bathroom and you’re an American when you come out, what are you while you’re in there? European! (You’re-a-peein!)

    Also, here are some knock-knock jokes that we found in a library book:
    Knock knock. Who’s there? Oink oink. Oink oink who? Are you an owl or a pig?
    Knock know. Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel!
    Knock knock. Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Ride ‘em, cowboy!

    Okay, enough of that. Hope you got a chuckle or at least a groan from these. :)

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