numb.

I’m feeling numb.

I can feel myself falling into a funk and I’m not sure why or how to stop it. Or if I want to stop it.

And it is really starting to make me wonder if I’m depressed about something.

I’ve been talking less to friends and family which is always my first inclination the funk is coming. I feel exhausted. Never fully awake. I’m never actually hungry but am snacking more than normal. I am constantly picking up the house but it seems as messy as ever. And I don’t care. I’m not in the mood for anything and couldn’t make a decision right now to save my life. Indifferent. That’s how I feel. Like I could lay on the couch watching reruns for a week. Sloth-like. Tired. Sad.

Is that depression?

Is it a side effect of the stress from Parker?

Is it the rain?

Could it be hormones?

Anyway, this feeling has been tugging at the corner of my brain for a few days now, pulling me deeper but the call I just received confirmed what I’ve suspected because I got the call that Parker’s blood work came back “decent” and they feel confident to stop the IV meds.

I should have JUMPED FOR JOY or squealed with delight or called everyone I know. But instead I just sat here. Frozen. Unable to move. Picking up my fingers to type right now feels like the tips are filled with lead.

And I know I’m exhausted. And drained emotionally. But is that all this is? This horribly heavy feeling?

Who knows.

And if I’m honest with you I will admit that instead of trying to get HAPPY I will just call Imo’s to bring me my crack and hope it revives me enough to get through the dinner/bath/bedtime without crying or screaming or hiding under my covers.

Because ALL I feel like doing is crawling into bed.

But what I actually logged on to blog has NOTHING to do with how I’m feeling but instead to update you on Parker…

1. Her IV will come out tonight! (if I put an exclamation point on the end it makes me feel like I’m excited even though there is nothing in me that is) The home health care people will call me to set up a time for the nurse to come out and yank that sucker out.

2. She is anemic. Caused from the bacteria and an iron supplement/vitamin every day should do the trick.

3. Not all the numbers are perfect but they hope the meds already in her body will keep fighting… if they don’t we will see the fever come back or some other sign she’s getting sicker.

4. We see the neurologist tomorrow morning at 9am for that follow-up but everything is great in the brain dept as far as I can tell.

5. In two+ weeks we go to Glennon (not sure we’ll ever be back at St. John’s) for follow-up tests on her kidneys.

6. Tomorrow she can run and play like a normal kid we just have to keep her away from big groups of people for 2 more weeks b/c of her immune system… just don’t want to risk her getting sick.

And that does it!

5 thoughts on “numb.

  1. Personally, I think it’s Everything you listed, and maybe needing some B-Vitamins in your diet. And dark chocolate. And maybe a good chick-flick to just let it all out over.

    We have many of the same things going on in our lives (work, family, STRESS), so I totally understand what you’re saying. Only you know what pulls you out of your head — a good meal, adult time, whatever. You have to make that a priority, no matter how large or small it is. You will have laughter again. Joy is where you find it. Love is all around you.

  2. I know the heavy weight/numb/can’t get out of this chair because I can’t make my body work together in that way right at this moment–and I don’t WANT to anyway. After Braska was born and diagosed and parked in the NICU for a while, I had about two weeks of it. I chalked it up to stress and hormones, postpartum stuff, shock over the rest of my life changing with two words. I could sit and know that I needed to do something, but I couldn’t get up and do it. And I didn’t care. I could get good news and just say, “oh.” Not my normal reactions, none of them. And after the other major crap that went on in the months that followed, and after her open-heart surgery, I went through several periods of this kind of thing. For me, it came down to getting away for a bit. Putting some distance between me and the kid(s) for a while so I could just breathe, sleep, eat, and have quiet. It was reviving, and I still have to take those little breaks sometimes… not sure how you’re wired, I supposed, but that’s how it worked for me.

    But I say Imo’s is a good start.

  3. I can only imagine you’ve been going on pure adrenaline for weeks now… you’re probably on empty, emotionally.

    Imo’s is a good start. Love you!

  4. Don’t beat yourself up. Let yourself feel what you need to. Sleep Deprivation and exhaustion will always make you feel crazy, depressed and lathargic. This is why they use it to interigate people. You get to the point that you just don’t care about anything. This will pass and if you still feel this way in a few weeks maybe you need to go talk to someone or go to the doctor and get a little something to help you “pull out of it”. Know you are loved by many and your experiences are valid.

  5. I get that way from time to time. For me, a good cardio workout is the cure-all. That, and a good cry. Feel better!

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