Is that a word? Hermiting? I guess not. But it’s what I’m doing right now.
The older I get the more hermit-like I tend to get. Maybe it has nothing to do with age but just with how busy I am. I’m not sure.
Right now I just want to be alone. I’m craving it. All day I yearn for the 10pm-12am time when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet.
Balancing two near-full-time jobs is starting to take its toll I think. So is the house and its never ending to do lists that just STARE at me. Money is a constant worry that keeps me up at night. I look at sites like this and get the “I want that” stuck in my head which doesn’t help the no money issue at all. Not that we have no money. Actually we’ve started saving again the second we put the stopper in the house-drain that seemed to be sucking our money away faster than we could make it. But there is no room in a saving-centered budget for fun things to make this house like the one in my dreams that I know it can be!
That was a tangent.
I’m finding that I have VERY little time for the kids when I’m not barking orders at them to get ready for school or get ready for bed. Gone are the days of art projects and trips to the park during the day. It makes me sad. I miss being a good mom. Now I’m a good mom in the fact that I’m working my ass off to provide for them. But that’s not how they feel or what they care about I’m sure. I work extremely hard to have good conversations with them individually or take small moments to pray with them, sing with them, dance with them… just so amidst the mundane they might remember having fun with their mommy.
I just kind of hate being a working mom. With a day job and a nights+weekends job too.
Not that I would EVER want to go back to the black financial hole we were in three years ago but when I think back on that time of our life I don’t even remember how broke we were or how stressed I was because of it. All I really remember are the moments when I had the girls at our kitchen table painting, Gray in the sling and kid music on in the back ground. Or the dance parties we had. Or how I could lay on the floor and three babies would crawl+climb all over me. Now when they do that it kind of hurts! It’s funny to me how time really does erase most of the bad. The sleepless nights, the sickness, the lack of money all is nearly gone from my brain and left are beautiful memories of my babies, three under three.
On top of just missing the more simple life we had a few years ago I’m struggling to make it out in the world. I avoid drop offs and pick ups at Bailey’s school because I really just don’t want to talk to anyone. I have nothing to say. If I really started talking to someone I’m afraid I’d just cry or unload all the feelings I’m trying desperately to keep inside. I’m not calling my friends or answering personal emails in a timely way. I’m not even really talking to my sister, mom or mother-in-law like I usually do.
It’s like all of me is so stretched between my jobs and the kids I have nothing left. Not much even for Chris at the end of the day. I just have nothing to give, anyone.
We’re getting away for Sunday night to celebrate our anniversary and it might be the break I need. I’m contemplating even leaving my computer at home because maybe that will also leave the stress of answering emails and work at home. I can’t decide.
Ugh. Just feeling kind of melancholy as I get into this new routine of life. Wishing I could hire a housekeeper to help take away some of that work, wishing I could have more fun with the kids (that I was even in the mood to have more fun with the kids), wishing Chris and I had more alone time, wishing I had any kind of time to devote to my friends, wishing I could keep up with either job better, etc.