thursday.

I’ve been editing boudoir sessions like mad so the awesome women that came have time to make Valentine goodies for their husbands but it is a little disheartening to be drinking soda and eating junk while I edit these beautiful women. Really, it’s just depressing.

I need to start running again.

And if we had an extra $250 I am dying to join the Webster Rec. I keep telling myself if I had a WARM place to go workout I actually would.

It came up today that I should write something in Gray’s baby book and well, he doesn’t have one. So instead I’ll write it here. About a year ago he used to call himself a “beater-man”. It meant that he could/would beat anyone else he was racing against (in his head or real life). So he’s be running and call out, “I beat you! I’m a BEATERMAN!” or “Wow Mommy! You fast! You a beaterman!” But Chris could never understand him and would always say, “A Bee-lemon?” And then Gray would say, “no, a beaterman” and I would correct Chris with the right word but it became a joke. So Gray talked endlessly about being a beaterman and Chris talked endlessly about being a Be-lemon. Of course the B-lemon stuck so now Gray will say “We’re driving fast Mommy! We’re the B-lemons!” which cracks me up because it makes absolutely no sense to anyone but us which ends up making me laugh even harder.

I’m seeing more and more that Bailey is VERY black and white. It’s either right or wrong. There is no gray for her. Which is so great because she totally gets it but at the same time I worry that she’ll be a control freak afraid to make mistakes (kind of like ME). I want her to be “good” and all that but I also want her to be adventurous and brave and not afraid to live BIG even if it means she’ll fall hard. Do you think she’s too young have a conversation about this? Is it too early to start talking to her about all the things I desire for her? I want her to have the best of us and what I see right now is a desire to always be good (which makes for very easy parenting most of the time!) which means that someday her fear of being “bad” or getting in trouble will surface and that can be crippling. As a kid and even now I was always terrified of getting in trouble that it kept me from doing a lot of fun things.

I’m desperate for a work space at my house. At my parent’s house where I work all week I have an awesome desk and file cabinet and room to organize/work/spread out projects. At home I have the only table we have to eat at or the couch. The table is uncomfortable and just not ideal. The couch is too comfortable and causes me to get tired faster at night. Plus organizing Fresh Art and school papers and personal bills and business bills and other paper that comes in this house is HARD. I need an office.

I’m back on caffeine so hard right now it’s bad. I KNOW it’s bad. I know the ingredients and what it can do to my weight and my body. But how else do I get through the busy weeks? And HOW am I so busy during my slow time?

I was at one of my dad’s client’s homes today and she’s retired plus lives alone. This is going to sound terrible but I actually dream of that. I dream about all that I could do if I had total alone time. I don’t think that means I want to get rid of my family but I do think it means I need a week by myself somewhere to just BE. Does any other mom ever feel this way?

The funny part of feeling this way is that on the flip side is this ache to be with my kids more. They are SO FUN right now. I would give anything to be a stay at home mom with them. Instead I work two jobs. It just sucks sometimes you know?

7 thoughts on “thursday.

  1. I see the same traits in Ahren: he even says he wants to be a ‘good boy’. I know he gets it from me because i was the same way. It’s got to be the firstborn image kicking in. Life needs firstborn children, but it’s not very fun sometimes!

  2. Jodie,

    I don’t think it’s too early to have that conversation. Serious children (like Bailey seems to be, and like Maeve is) are often thinking all sorts of things in their little brains that we don’t know about. Open up a dialogue with her, you’ll know quickly if it’s the right time or not.

    As for alone time, oh my goodness how I understand. When I have kid-free weekends, I’m practically itching to have the house to myself on Friday evening. By Sunday morning I can’t believe I’ll still have to wait HOURS to see them again. I guess I can’t be pleased. :)

  3. hi, blog hopping as a treat in between editing Christa’s wedding.. ha!
    Totally a first born thing and definitely not too young to discuss it being OKAY to fail/mess up/not be perfect and good all the time. I remember the first big conversation I had with Abby about this… because she is SO black and white and good girl first born. It was, of all things, a Muppet computer game. And she was literally crying as she played. Because she was afraid of clicking the “wrong” answer and the Muppets would get upset with her. So we had a serious discussion on the fact that Muppets won’t get mad and Mommy & Daddy won’t get mad and still love her even if she messes up. And I think just that assurance, like Amy commented, those thoughts she’s thinking, that you can relate to. It will probably reassure her a lot, maybe not completely loosen her up, but at least she’ll know that inner struggle is normal, kwim??
    and, back to editing! :)

  4. We’ve spent a lifetime telling our kids what we expect of/for them, so it would never come as a surprise. Everything from how to behave in a restaurant to waiting to marry after College. We even had that “Daddy was married before Mommy and you have an older brother, but he doesn’t live with us” thing for excitement. It was actual and as factual as they could understand every step of their growing up. I encourage you to do this, often, with each of your children.

    Every person has their own moral compass. I’m married to a black-and-white guy, but I’m the “grey seeker” in the relationship. Yin and Yang makes it difficult at times, but balanced as well.

  5. I think you could definitely have that conversation. Logan is a deep thinker, a worrier, extremely emotional (drives me crazy because he is SO me) and I have those kind of talks with him on a consistent basis. He isn’t black and white but he needs lots of reassurance so I give it as often as I think to. The other day, he said, “Mommy, I love you even when you put me in bedroom time.” So I think he’s getting it…and generalizing the skill on top of it! Ha!

  6. I definitely wish often that I had alone time, dreaming of all I could get done. But I think I’d like to start with a few days of doing nothing! The girls are great and overall pretty agreeable, but the ability to be uninterrupted in a project is so appealing.

  7. Jodie,
    Just to pump up your parenting bubble a little, I have been teaching 9 years at three different schools. Communicating with parents has never been a requirement. We just like to share the amazing things we see. Many times it is hard to find the time. She must be a truly amazing girl (which you already know)!

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