the ring
the wedding
the belly
the birth
the baby
the family
the kids
if I’m not myself, then who the heck am I?
Posted on February 24, 2010
I haven’t felt like myself lately. Lately being, oh, the last 6 months or so? A year? I’ve lost track.
I used to be a really positive person. I was always the one assuring Chris that God had a plan for our life even when we had our third unplanned pregnancy. I always could find the good in my day, joy in my kids and laughter in the midst of incredible stress. I didn’t let the fact we had no money bother me too much, I made time for my friends as often as I could and I had a job that fulfilled all parts of my creative being. I was happy. And even when I wasn’t I was still positive.
But not so much lately. Lately I have been quick to anger and slow to let go of a grudge. Most mornings I wake up in a bad mood and either stick with it all day or try my best to kick it to the curb, usually with little success. I worry and stress about things I used to trust God to handle. Money makes me cry on a weekly if not daily basis. I’ve let go of friendships because I can’t balance it all anymore. I’m always playing devils advocate and looking at my world with the glass half empty.
The strange part though is that sometimes I feel like my old self. I have great days sometimes! And on those days I do projects with the kids, cook meals, call friends, greet Chris with a smile and enjoy my life. And the funkified part of myself seems far away.
But that funk is coming back faster and carrying more weight lately. The funk has been harder to kick.
And when i’m in that funk all of my thoughts are totally selfish. Hating C’s coaching because it means I’m alone with the kids every night for dinner/bath/bed. Wanting time off, time away, time to myself. Wishing for something I never have and can’t articulate when I try. Yelling at the kids over silly things and greeting Chris at night with a bad attitude and grumpy demeanor. Not calling or talking to anyone, almost hiding at home, becoming hermit-like.
Last night it came to a head when I got a sitter at the last minute and went to what I thought would be C’s last basketball game. They were the lower ranked team and if they lost it meant Chris would be home the rest of the week in the late afternoon… meaning I had HELP and RELIEF and SUPPORT for the dinner/bath/bed time of day. And so i went to the game praying they’d lose.
But they won.
And as I watched that small group of 17 year old girls cheering and jumping with the excitement of moving on in districts I had to get out of there quick so I could cry in the car all the way home. Because it meant another week of no Daddy. It also meant absolutely NO break between the basketball and soccer season, that starts on Monday.
Oh doggies did I feel sorry for myself!
And when Chris got home MAN was I in a mood. One I couldn’t hide from him. One I didn’t want to hide I guess. I was mad. And the more angry i got at how this effected ME the sadder I got and more confused as to how I could be SO SELFISH to be upset at the best night in those girls lives.
So I went to bed confused. And sad. And really frustrated at myself. And that’s when I asked myself, WHERE DID I GO?
Is it hormones? Is it depression? Is it stress? Is it lack of sleep? Too much soda? Not enough good food? No exercise?
Or is it just the new me?
I talked to my friend Angie about it today and she assured me that she feels the same way too sometimes. That all mothers must go through this. And she encouraged me to write about it. So here i am. Writing.
Being honest. And open.
I wonder if I’ve lost myself to three pregnancies in three years. Jumping straight from marriage to babies. Did I lose myself to motherhood? Could it just be that winter is dragging out? Do I just need a vacation? Bible study? A good run? A break? I feel stuck, lost and not sure how to move forward. Do I seek counciling? Do I talk to my doctor in case it is hormones? Do I seek medication for depression? Do I start running? Stop soda completely? Sleep more?
I’ve never been here before and it’s a bit scary. I don’t want my husband to wonder which wife he’s coming home to each night. I don’t want to loose track of friends because I’ve become a hermit. I don’t want my kids to act a certain way so as not to upset Mommy. I want to wake up each day excited about what lies ahead! I want to love my work again, enjoy the kids and not get mad every time Chris walks out the door. I want to smile more. Laugh out loud. Be grateful for what we have.
I want to be myself again.
And what I’m hoping, is that by writing this, by tossing yet another huge struggle out into the void, that it’s the first step to finding myself. Finding my joy.
Here’s hoping!
BEEN THERE. and when i was feeling the worst, God sent me some structure to my days… He got my A** out of bed every morning to run & have time by myself & with Him before the kids & husband get up (yes, this is freakin’ early). i can’t tell you what a difference it has made in my days. i am more tired, yes, but i don’t feel as grumpy & resentful all the time (just sometimes- it’s natural, i suppose). i’m not saying this is the quick fix- nothing really is. but it has given me a few things that i crave, and i find that i’m a little more ‘me’ than i have been in a long time. a little less angry, a lot less likely to overeat on junky food, a lot more likely to be nice to my kids, and more tolerant of my husband going to watch WG basketball. : )
not trying to fix you… i hate it when people do that. just know that LOTS of us have been there, and we all have to support each other! i hope you find ‘you’ soon!
[...] Yesterday I was thinking of my life and my happiness and while conversing with my friend Angie about it all she told me to do something out of the ordinary to make the day special. I thought she was crazy but when Gray and I went to pick up the girls from preschool they both came charging out, full speed ahead with smiles to light the world on their faces. Both were in terrific moods and so on the spur of the moment I took all three kids out to lunch at Bread Co. By myself. Something I never do. [...]
I think I have just the thing for you! At least a place to start. Your post sounds very familiar to my life about 3-4 months ago until I attended this great online seminar by Sherri Nickols at Unleash Yourself. It is called How to Find & Own Your Playful Sexy Self and it is not just about finding your playful sexy self but finding your passion again and specifically for finding your Self again. It was a great start for me. You deserve to do something for yourself and make yourself happy! You can find more information at http://www.unleashyourself.com
WOW! This is like reading my own thoughts! I think its true that as a Mom we do lose ourselves and its hard to not be resentful of the lives that others get to lead when we are at home wiping bums and cleaning the house for the millionth time that day! I love how you are so honest and I think it speaks volumes about you Jodie!
I had my kids 17 months apart, some days it’s easy, but mostly its hard. I am not always 100% truthful about how much work it is being a Mom, its almost like I feel that if I just smile and act like I am not drowning in my own thoughts and worries that its not really happening.
Dont be afraid to ask for help , whether its meds, a friend, family member, or just for a day for YOU! No kids, no husband, no errands , just FUN Jodie time.
I hope you start to feel better and I cant thank you enough for posting these words, they ring WAY too true for me right now!
Hang in there Mama!
It sounds like my past experiences with hypoglycemia. I would feel myself getting angry at something while at the same time realizing that it was totally ridiculous for me to be angry about. But my physiological response was out of my control. I’d go from laughing hysterically one moment to crying hysterically the next. Got the diagnosis of hypoglycemia, avoided sugar (or only ate it after a large helping of protein to balance it out), and my body evened out. No more dramatic swings or feelings that I didn’t understand. Are you drinking regular or diet Mountain Dew? If regular, the amount of sugar could be a large contributing factor. Try cutting out sugar for a while and see if things improve.
[...] I, for one, don’t blog much about our marriage b/c C’s students might read this or his fellow teachers or well, his family. And our marriage is private for the most part. But I am REALLY open and honest about myself. Like I was HERE. [...]
How timely to read your post tonight. A few hours ago I cried over the phone to a friend who was trying to talk me down out of my craziness. I had my 3 month old baby in the car, my other 3 kids at basketball practice, and I was about to take the baby and bolt for a few days away alone. My husband is a youth pastor and gone an incredible amount of time ministering to OTHERS while I’m suffering alone at home from something (post partum depression, winter blahs, grumpiness, lack of contentment, too many kids, anger that my dental career is on hold for his ministry, etc). I’m really struggling with that one. The ups and downs of my moods are like yours…my husband never knows which one of me he’ll come home to every night. My only glimmer of hope right now is when I think about starting to serve and focus outward. I need to get my focus off my self (even though there is work that needs done there along the way too) and look to how I can use my giftedness (cooking, hospitality, dentistry) to reach out to others. I am amazed at how many moms feel as we do, yet if we all started pouring out to those who really need help maybe we’ll start doing better ourselves? Because, really, what do we have to complain about or be grumpy about. God has graciously given my family more than we need (financially and realationally). So my prayer and challenge for you is to get your kids involved and go pour out to someone who really needs you. One idea would be to find a homeless shelter or mother/kids shelter and go take pictures so those mothers have memories of their kids (I doubt taking pictures is huge on their list right now). Find ways to bless people and love on them–your kids will eat this up if they can do it with you! A great book to help you realize how good your life really is and also to spur you to help others is Same Kind of Different as Me. Even though serving/pouring our lives out to help others somehow helps to fill us back up, I’m sure that exercise/days off from mothering/sleep/time with God will do wonders for you until warm summer days arrive!!
There must be something in the air lately, because reading your post was a little bit like seeing my inner monologue being played out in front of my eyes. I don’t have kids or a husband, but for some reason the last few weeks/months I have felt like I am losing myself, bit by bit.
I wish I had something helpful and uplifting to offer you, but since I hate it when people offer me platitudes I refuse to offer them myself. The best I can say is that the world has felt rather gray lately here in St. Louis. I have hope that the Lord will send major sunshine rather soon, because I could certainly use a breath of fresh air.
Your blog offers me hope that one day, even I might have a sweet baby to photograph. Your honesty offers me the reminder that seasons of life cycle in and out and that even in the midst of sludge and muck, beauty can be found.
God Bless you and your family right now. And I’ll be praying for a major snow storm to delay the start of soccer season, even if only for a day or two
-Anne Simon
I could have written this myself nearly word-for-word. Actually, I have read a lot of your blog posts and found myself nodding my head, knowing exactly where you’re coming from and wanting to give you a big cyber hug.
Just yesterday I had a big mental breakdown. I work full-time; my husband has a job that takes him away from us for days, sometimes weeks at a time; I run my own business on top of having a full-time job; I’ve got 3 kids in 3 different stages of life, all pulling me in different directions and needing different things from me all.the.time. I’m stretched too thin and I know that, but I feel like there’s something *bigger* going on with me.
I don’t find joy in anything…or if I do, it’s a fleeting moment that goes just as quickly as it came. I hate being out and about. I hate getting up and having to face my life everyday because I truly just want to be ME and worry about MYSELF and what I need for once.
The truth is, for the last 7 years I’ve put everyone else ahead of me, and I think it’s finally getting to me. I go to work and I take care of people (as an RN); I come home and I take care of my kids, my house, our pets…even my husband! I take care of him and his life, but I don’t feel like I get anything in return because most of the time I’m here doing it all on my own.
*sigh* You probably didn’t need or want to read a novel, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. If you ever need a sympathetic ear, email me (or text me, if you’re into that…I’ve become texting buddies with a lot of my blog friends and it’s great!). Hanng in there…we’ll get it figured out!
THIS week Kalie & Gracie will come over and play with your children. Tell us what night besides Wednesday. Seriously. Go to the gym, go for a walk, or go get a glass of wine with that hubby of yours. We are not kidding.
what you do is get with Bridget, SET A DATE and get your bootie out to California for some sun, relaxation and a mini-break from it all. Let’s connect today friend!